u2queen

Our modem was messed up and we sat for days thinking it would fix itself on its own but alas we had to get another from Time Warner. I had a lot of free time without the internet. I couldn't check the top entertainment stories on IMDB. I couldn't read the LOST website. I couldn't play games online. I couldn't read blogs and email. And (gasp) I couldn't check my bank account 3 times a day!

I balance the checkbook a lot. I can't help it. I don't like my money doing stuff that I don't want it to. I have automatic drafts set up for lots of stuff which is convenient but even that annoys me b/c it takes forever to actually clear the bank and so I neurotically check the account every day to see what's cleared so I can check it off in my checkbook. I think this comes from dad who I remember sitting on Sundays going thru his bills to see what cleared. He hates it when checks take too long and so do I. It's like the bill people have hounded you for money then take forever to cash the check.

But the computer is back on today and I'm going to do my best to get a prorated rate for the month from cable b/c of their crappy equipment. We only had that modem a short while. I'm trying to cut $ where I can. I have turned into dad also in the regard that I mutter about things being left on, open, or running. I come home and say to no one, "...he went off and left the damn ceiling fan on all day!" Or- "....why can't she close the blinds so the whole house doesn't heat up..." Or- "...the air's been running all day why can't he remember to turn it up when he leaves!"

But at 225 a month for MLGW, I know that's not horrible compared to other peoples bills here in town, but when it's usually 170 bucks it's a big jump! So turn off the fan and close the blinds when you leave!

What is the movie where there is a quote that says, "It must be a horrible thing to lose one's mind."? I feel like that lately. Mostly because I cannot get my house clean enough. I am officially looking for new homes for our beloved pets which Che is very upset about but I cannot deal with them anymore. I emptied my vaccum cannister today and vaccumed the den and my room which I had only vaccumed the Saturday before. It was horrifying to see the giant wad of dust and hair that I sucked up. This irks me. I have about 30 flea bites on my ankles and feet! I think some of them come from Judy scrubbing dogs all day and then coming home, not to mention the mystery stains in the hallway in front of her room. Goodness knows what is on her shoes. And I've had it. I want my home to myself and I want it CLEAN! And to whine a bit more, I feel like I'm the only one even remotely attempting to keep it tidy. Che doesn't see dirt/dust/hair/stains or anything else for that matter. He thinks its clean. But it's not. I sat in bed today reading slapping at FLEAS and finally stripped the sheets and washed them on hot. THIS IS DISGUSTING!

My bladder infection is getting better but not without the 10 day supply of augmentin and the iv dose they gave me. Yeast infection here I come! I have not been sick since Sunday so I'm glad.

We enjoyed Les Mis on july 4th and Che enjoyed it a lot. He had never seen a live Broadway show and it was fun since it's the last time as they aren't going to tour anymore. I joked that in 10 years, we would see it live onstage at Collierville High School. I wish I had the money to see more b/c beauty and the beast is coming and it was really good.

I got a preggy pic of Kristi which I will send so Michelle and Mom can see. She has rounded out nicely and has the cute baby bump now. I am just round. I know I've "stretched" b/c now my stomach pokes out further than my boobs which is horrible but before pregnancy it was definately the other way around!

Kristi turned us on to the great RCIA program she helps with at Incarnation and we found out the summers are spent doing something called Bible Timeline. It is by Jeff Cavins, a Steubenville (Steubenville?!) gradiate who was mentored by Scott Hahn. (Everyone say, OOOHHH!) It goes through Salvation History by reading and studying the 14 books of the Bible that actually "tell the story". He points out that Catholics often get discouraged when the start at the beginning and then hit Leviticus that really doesn't continue the story. It's like the old Broadway musicals that would be having dialouge, then SUDDENLT, everyone bursts into song that doesn't really carry the story anywhere.

But we drive out on Wed. for 2 1/2 hours and we like it so far. There's also a way to remember the scriputre with this color coding thing that is kind of cool. We have gone thru Genesis and "The early world", and just finished the Patriarchs and just got through Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat. Che seems to particularly enjoy it and participates as well and is always chapters ahead of me in his scripture readings. We have used the CAtechism too which I find odd that almost everyone in this class, and we are the youngest by far, have NO idea how to use it or what it is for! (Seems I learned a lot living with Michelle and pHil) But then RCIA starts in September and he seems determined to go. Che is actually a good "candidate". he's very open and malleable and has little spiritual background. We spoke at length with our instructor when she wanted to "interview" us I guess. We were there for 2 hours discussing the Church and our religious backgrounds. So it seems that some prayers are easily answered, meaing I always prayed that Che's faith would be strengthened in our marriage and he would get the fullest fruits from Mass. He is so eager, which is unusual for him so that's how I know he must really have a strong desire. I think knowing we will have a baby somehow influences him. I mean, here's my wife and child who share in a faith but I'm way over here kind of lurking. He feels spiritually "left out". He has some hard questions that I hope we can answer. It's weird b/c I find them difficult to answer seeing how my catechism was not that great in school. But more than that, I just feel like i understand b/c I was born knowing it. Martha, our instrucotr, said she understood that. We learned at an early age the mystery ofthe Trinity or Mary's "speacial role" as our Mother. It seems innate. But in the midst of finances and job problems and family problems, knowing our faith will be uniform is very calming and seems to be the first step in getting all other aspects of our life in place. I guess what I mean is that if you really put God and Faith first like you are supposed to, then everything else does fall into place. But that is a hard priority sometimes in which we fail. But anyway, just thought I'd share. Time to go.

I think my appetite is back. I weigh 161 so I've gained about 3 lbs. I'm hungry, ravenously hungry, all the time. Today we are going out for pizza from Memphis Pizza Cafe which ironically has an awesome salad and good pizza too.

Rendezvous was really good and Sarah's friends were really nice. We had to wait for over an hour but snacked on cheese and sausage plates. Che had a full slab or ribs but Sarah and I were full from snacking so we split a pork shoulder plate. We walked back through the Peabody to which Che exclaimed, "This is where we consumated our marriage!" I laughed it off out of slight embarassment but I'm not sure if they heard. We had a nice time but didn't get home til late, almost midnight and I was beat.

We all enjoyed feeling my uterus in the Peabody bathroom and I was surprised when I did notice that under the usually squishy part of my belly button, there was something hard! Since being back at work this week, 3 comments and 1 belly pat have occured. My male boss commented my sotmach looked bigger and that Kim, my female boss said my boobs were bigger. My supervisor, Shirley, said my stomach was getting big too. I was annoyed but glad to have someone notice some weight gain. I'll try to send a picture. I don't think it's that noticeable if you see me every day, but when I look in the mirror, I can tell. So since you don't see me that much, you might think I've gotten huge. And please tell me if I have b/c it makes me feel better knowing I'm growing and so is the baby.

It's hot. Poor Che is cutting the yard and edging and it's hot. He is always 2 steps ahead of fashion wearing a wet hand towel under his hat to keep cool. I think I would rather give birth every other weekend than cut the grass. I just don't like it. It takes forever and I sneeze and it's HOT.

I feel pretty proud of myself for collecting my first month's rent from Judy. She never called about the food stamps after 2 weeks of reminding so I hope we all learned a lesson here: when you are about to be on your own, don't let your food stamps lapse! I hope that paying rent to us will jog her into realizing that money will be tight and she must spend responsibly. I konw this sounds all well and good coming from me, but the tighter money is, the further ahead you have to look. I just finished "paying" all the bills for July. I set them up in BOA Online Banking and I love it. It's FREE so check it out. It takes a while to set up b/c you have to have all the accounts and numbers. But it's all in one spot after that.

I had a funny dream the other night. I dreamed Che and I were in the doctor's office waiting for her to come in so I went ahead and grabbed the doppler to see if I could hear a heartbeat (we still haven't yet). And I did hear one. Then I moved the doppler to the extreme other side of my belly and heard a second heartbeat. Pretty weird! I FINALLY gained 2 lbs and I'm pretty sure it's not just constipation:) and have not been sick every day this week just 2 or 3 days. So I hope I'm getting to the good part. We meet with our new doctor next week and I hope it goes okay. If she is anything like our doula has said, I picture a Mammy type in a white coat. She's black, obviously with a first name like Lanetta. And she is described as a midwife in a white coat.

Che's wish has come true. We are going to the Rendezvous with SArah and some of her friends that are in town. Poor Sarah, her husband is never free to go anywhere with us and I know she's sick of it, but she's a good sport. I just dread hanging out downtown until we get a table. Later.

I went bacdk to work today and it sucked. Of course, they had me come in at 8 which is when I told them I was usually sick. And so of course, on the way to work, I started to gag and reached for the Piccadilly bag I have had in the car for a week now. I shoveled some jello in during our all important and pointless Monday meeting and started back to work. I was NOT in the drive thru alone, so maybe they finally got the point. Most likely, because it was Monday, they put 2 in and I'm sure I'll be alone the rest of the week. I was icky until about 10 and then started to feel a bit better. They asked me every hour how I was feeling and was I doing okay. It got to be annoying but soon found out why they were so concerned. One of our tellers is on vacation this week and they need me to pick up the hours. Geez! It never fails. And it sucks too b/c I need to work as many hours as I can, but I don't want to commit and then have to call in or be late. I'm really just trying to make it more manageable for them. So I'm there every day this week and Saturday for about 32 hours.

Two banks on Germantown Parkway, right next to each other, were robbed last week. It seems these guys are just working their way up the road. The only upside of being robbed is that you can claim extreme trauma and get on disability. I guess that's an upside. Sure would help our money issues. I think we're going to see if we can sell one of the cars towards The end of the year to eliminate the payment and insurance. No big deal, I'm cool with it. I just worry that we maly have to pay some on the loan.

We treated ourselves to the cheap tickets to see Les Mis on July 4th with Kristi and Drew. I'm really excited. I haven't seen it since my Freshman year of college I think and it was the 10th anniversary cast and it later closed. I think Phantom has surpassed it as the Longest Running Broadway Show. I'm sure they'll pull it soon too. But Che and I are both off that day from work and I don't think he's ever been to a Broadway show.

We spent Father's day with Dad and went to Piccadilly and then to his house to watch the video of Emma's Birthday. Dad looks so old sometimes, I can't believe he'll be 59. Knowing I will be a parent soon, makes me realize how my own parents won't be around forever and it used to seem that they would be when I was a kid. I've been on dad about getting his info together in the event he passes away and doesn't have a will or last wishes. He won't and it gets me so upset b/d he won't do it. I hope that maybe he already has it all together and just doesn't want to talk about it with me. I doubt it.

We got a call from Nick, Che's brother inviting us to their 2nd daughters first birthday which is always nice seeing how we've never seen her. They're getting better b/c they did give us 2 weeks notice. What is bad is that I think I'm doomed to go alone since it's Che's weekend to work. I knew it was too good to be true b/c he hasn't had to work a weekend since Jan or Feb. Of course, it would fall on this particular weekend. Whatever. NIck converted but I have no idea if Mandy did or the girls. I haven't gotten confirmation of that. You don't want to ask her either mainly b/c she does not respond when I speak to her or ask her a question. So I just compliment her hair and move on.

Che is conked out in bed before 10! That's how I'm on his laptop. He actually asked me if my hands were clean! He hasn't experienced any sympathy pains yet, but he has been talking about how tired he is. I worry b/c he hasn't lost any more weight and his bp was high. Maybe this is his round of sympathy pain finally feeling how unbelievably tired I am. He's been a trooper. Aside from a few meltdowns on my part that end in my weeping that he never helps me, it's been okay. I don't worry about the technical side of his being a father like diapering, feeding, changing and stuff like that b/c he knows how to "care" for a child. I worry that they parental influences, or lack thereof, will be problematic. I'm so set on certain things in terms of what I believe, like discipline and reinforcement, and it is foregin to him. He was a good kid but got whacked or yelled at or ignored most of the time. He got a whipping or popped in the mouth just for seeking attention from his mom, which he processes as "that kid needs a whipping" when he sees kids on t/v who are seeking attention. Even if they are seeking attention negatively, I tell him, that is not the way to respond. I hope I can be an example when it gets to that. He sees 2 drastic sides. Michelle and PHil's kids who are angels and rarely need disciplining and have 2 patient parents completely devoted to them and Shannon's kids who need discipline a lot and do not get it uniformly and often get it erraticly and don't have as much one on one time with them. Hmmmm, see a connection. Che tends to believe it's the kids who are that way thus the discipline is needed then. Not the other way around in which the discipline is loving and steady and rarely needed. Anyway, I had too much sugar tonight so I'm wired. I indulged in some Kool Aid. I KNOW IT"S BAD! But I'm craving sugar. I had some water afterwards with the old vitamins. And it was Che Kool aid that exceeds the recommended sugar intake. It reminds me of that episode of The Real World (only Michelle will remember probably) when the guy from Kentucky puts so much sugar in the Kool Aid pitcher that it is frothy and foamy! And he drank a pitcher a day or something crazy. Later.

That is mostly what my diet consists of lately. I know I'll get a lecture from Michelle, but it's this or starve. I eat pineapple, popsicles (bomb pops and the old fashioned Flav o Ice), pickles and peppermints. Yum. I eat the occasional pudding cup too for that good calcium it provides! But these foods make my tummy feel better in the weirdest way. I eat much much less now than I did before I got pregnant which has worried me a lot, but is supposedly normal. Although after losing 8 lbs, my clothes don't fit anymore. I'm definately rounder around the belly button and anything that is a 12/14 with a zipper and a button don't close properly and are too tight. I purchased a pair of khaki capris this weekend which look ridiculously big now with that goofy panel, but in another month, I bet they'll be just right. I tried them on with that little pillow they give you but it looked crazy. Che was amused and the prospect and I just secretly hoped I wouldn't be "that big".

Che and I both haven't noticed my size much b/c we see me every day. But this weekend, I had on a tank top in bed and it was already kind of small b/c it shrank and Che looked at me and said, "You're filling that shirt out more now aren't you?" When I looked stunned at the comment, he tried to make me feel better by clarifying "I mean, the top, not the bottom."

I decided to take 2 weeks off work in lieu of completely quitting the bank. I have been so sick that a lot of my early morning calls to work I just can't make. My female supervisor told me when I called in Monday just because I needed a litle extra time that "morning sickness comes with your situation so you are expected to be at work at your scheduled time." Whatever. I'd love to be but instead I'm figuring out if I can drive towork and not throw up at the wheel. So I called back later to explain that for the next few weeks this would continue and I relly felt on my own to deal with it. I don't want special treatment but if I could avoid getting a comment like that every time I'm sick, that would be great. I wanted to tell her I worked all day Saturday while throwing up and it's just as difficult to have me there and be sick as it is when I'm at home. My drive thru partner had to pick up my slack and that's not fair to them. So I told her Iwas going to quit and then she became all sympathetic. I ended up dealing with my real boss, John who gave me the whole "we're a family" thing and asked me what I needed. I told him I just couldn't handle being so busy and stressed at work and feeling sick all the time. I can't do my job that way. Some of it is anxiety but I explained I was off my meds and like a man he suggested I get back on them. I told him I had decided to forego them b/c they were not safe and maybe furhter down the line I would consider getting back on one. But I knew my choices may affect my job and I was prepared to leave. So we worked out the leave. It was pretty funny b/c he pushed for just 1 week leave and I said this wasn't going away ina week. At least 2 would be able to cover the last weeks of mornign sickness. So, they let me have it but said they were going to hire another person to fill in some hours which is great. So it's my 3rd day off and I'm so bored. I don't feel good so I don't want to go anywhere. And I don't have any money anyway to spend. Che and I did go out Monday for our anniversary to Olive Garden and then came home to chill. Yesterday was our 2nd ob appt. It was with the dr we don't want to see anymore but our new doctor couldn't get us in for another 3 weeks and we didn't want to go that long between visits. I needn't have mattered b/c she didn't do anything but take my urine and vitals. No physical exam. She listened for a heartbeat but couldn't find it yet which is unnerving sometimes. Actually, we were the last appt of the day and she was already running late and didn't get to us for an hour and she didn't really seem to try to find it. I thought I heard someting but she kept moving it so much I couldn't tell. I don't like her at all. Our new doctor is seeing us on the 28th and we'll be 12-13 weeks then so hopefully we'll hear it then. She did tell me I've lost 8 pounds which startled me. I knew I'd lost some, but that's 8 pounds in 4 weeks. I told her i was eating little bits during the day when I could and taking the vitamins but have only really been sick 4 times, mostly last saturday at work. I just feel like i'm going to be sick all the time so I don't want to eat. I'm sure I'll gain it all back soon enough. I feel like I'm huge so it's weird I've lost weight. Anyway, I'm hoping I'll get bored enough to clean this house which is a pigsty but right around that time I feel sick when I think of doing it!

Che and I are about to celebrate our 2nd anniversary on June 5 and we got a mutual gift of a built in microwave and we love it. It not only looks much better than the ugle vent thing but it frees up a lot of counter space which to me makes the kitchen look cleaner. I cleaned it thoroughly today and was appaled at how dirty it was. I mean, it was gross and I know it's gotten that way only b/c I haven't been in there to cook in it and notice! I feel bad that I haven't cooked much b/c even though I don't eat much or eat regularly, Che has too. He's coped pretty well but his weight loss plan he had has not gone well. He's ona team at work and they get weighed as a group each week and his team is not doing that great. He's lost about 8 or 9 pounds and that's about it. I've lost some weight since being pregnant and am at the lowest ever of 159. I was worried but all the books and doctors say that it's normal since it's so hard to keep food down.

I saw 2 ladies I worked with at the gym and one is pregnant too. It was nice to "network" and they are really excited for me which is nice. Everyone has offered maternity clothes and baby clothes and gear which will be helpful. A part of me wants new things but the realisitc side of me doesn't care. I just want it to get going and get to the part where the baby comes. I feel convinced it's a boy for some reason and more so since crazy black lady mentioned it. But one of the old wives tales the girls and I talked about today was that if you crave salty, junky food, it's a boy and if you crave sweets and healthy stuff, it's a girl. Well, mine must be a boy!

I work really long hours on Mondays and Fridays which takes it out of me quite a lot. We were busy all this week and I couldn't figure out why. I thought maybe the world was ending and everyone was trying to get cash. But in reality, the nearest branch was closed b/c their air was out so ALL their customers were coming to our branch and it was mayhem. We didn't stop for the whole 8 hours and I don't think I got to pee once, which is saying a lot b/c I pee all the time. I work a 9 hour day on Fridays and then work Saturday monrings and am exhausted by Sunday only to return for Monday. Some days I want to just quit but not yet, we are too dependent on my check and I'm getting extra hours these days. We haven't asked Judy to pay any rent b/c we want her to save every bit she makes for her own departure, but as it gets hotter and the air goes up, so does the bill. So I have to be disciplined a bit longer and stick it out at the bank which I am quickly coming to hate just b/c they are having "issues" with getting a decent schedule for us that provides adequate coverage. I know there was a time there never would have been only 1 person in the drive thru unless the other was at lunch, but now it's pretty common and I can't take it. It's to stressful. I'm about to have to sit down soon too and it's hard to run between 3 lanes and sit. So I'm pretty frustrated. They won't let me have OB appts on MOndays or Fridays which are the days that work best for Che. But as soon as any of the managers need something, it's fine. I got mad when 2 managers were on vacaton at the same time (whih we were told we could NEVER do) and they were short a lobby manager so they pulled a teller and that makes our day longer and harder b/c we are short. Anyway, off to bed, it's almost 9:30 and I still have vitamins to choke down.

Yesterday was the day after Memorial day in which we were closed. So, the bank was super busy and I was in a window dealing with actual people when black lady dressed in Africanish clothes came to the window. I don't think her english was that great b/c she didn't speak at all to me when I spoke to her. After a minute she finally spoke and asked me, "Is it a boy?"

I told her that I didn't know what she meant.

She asked again if it was a boy and then it dawned on me what she was talking about!

I started to blush and get really freaked out. I told her that we actually do refer to the baby as a boy but it's too early to know yet. Then i asked her how she knew I was pregnant, b/c I'm still semi skinny me. She didn't respond but just smiled at me. I then asked if everything would be okay and she smiled and said, "Yes, it will be wonderful." She left and I was stood standing there a little shocked and amazed. It was really funny and I hope she's right about both points. I think I want a boy but would adore a girl just as much. It's just I don't hava any girl names I like!

We got a lot checked off the list of our lives so far this week. We got a doula lined up who was trained on "the Farm" (ask Michelle if you don't have a clue) and got Che's 401 K set up after 10 years of working there:( and we let judy know that come December 1st she would need to be seeking a new place to hang her hat. I really feel bad about this but I think we've given her plenty of notice so she can save every penny of her money. She has not bills except whatever she buys for lunch or dinner sometimes and her car insurance. Her apartment won't be luxurious but if she saves, and I pray she does. Then she can plop down a couple months rent when she moves in and continue to save her pay check. I am worried December will come and she will not be prepared and I don't want that on my conscience but I've done all I can do. We were really close to asking her to pay some rent money but decided that we would manage if she would do her absolute best to save. She makes around 800 or so bucks a month and she could totally save about 5 or 600! So over 7 months she'd be in good shape. She is already making bad decision though. She had to get a new waterheater and stuff for her house wehen she sold it. So she got about 3000 dollars from the house and owes 2500 for the water heater. Well she is paying on payments instead of forking over money she has in the bank. She thinks she's being responsilbe with her money this way but she's not. She has NEVEr paid her own bills or been financially responsible for herself and Che won't level with her. It's better to pay it when you have it all and now eat up your paycheck each month with payemtns, especially since she'll need every bit when she moves out. I can't get him to tell her this and I refuse to. Che talked to her last night and he said it went okay but did'nt elaborate. It must have been a shock to her b/c for the first time EVER, when I came home today she didn't run out and start talking my ear off. Our reasoning is that we didn't buy a home and struggle to pay for it so we could cram 3 peoples things in 1 room. We also want time to clean the carpets, paing and get the baby's stuff situatied. Mostly clothes and a changing table for now. But it will be Christmas and I don't want to overdo it and cut it too close to labor day. Plus Che's birthday is in December so there's not a lot of free time there. And I will be home after the baby is born and dammit, I want my house to myself! She will have been here almost 10 months by then which is adequate I think. I guess I am getting the first taste of parenthood with Judy by hoping she makes good financial decisions in the next 7 months to be prepared to leave. B/c if December comes and she has no money, too bad. She has to go. She has a brother she can live with b/c he has no money either and rents a room at Shannon's ex husbands house. So they could all live toether:) Or advertise for a roomate. I saw some decent apartments around 500dollars which would not leavea lot left for her. But shannon pays her cell phone and she has food stamps so all she has to do is pay rent and utilities and car insurance. I trhink that's doable. Conscience cleared!

Well I guess it couldn't last forever! So far I haven't had any sickness or nausea but today it came on. And worrisome me, instead of realizing it for what it was, I freaked out I had a fever or something from this mild bladder infection the doc said I had. Buat what sucks is that I feel hungry and still crave stuff to eat but don't feel good. And it's definately a different animal of nausea and yuck. I feel more tired and kind of dizzy like I just need to sit down. Every once in a while, I'll get that little feeling like I'm going to hurl but it goes away. It kind of goes on and off. As soon as I think I'm okay, I feel bad again.

Strangely, I'm so hungry. But today I just managed graham crackers and raisins and some grapes. What is bizarre is what I want to eat. I want oniony stuff. Eating raw oinion sounds good to me although I'm sure it would be gross as I've never liked them before. I LOVE pickles and eat them every day. I actually drank some pickle juice last night, just a bit! I think I could chug a gallon of apple juice! As sick as I felt today, I desperately wanted a fried egg sandwich with mayo and ketchup. Even if I wasn't pregnant that would be kind of gross although I've eaten them before. I would have eatetn one but I did'nt have the stomach to cook the eggs. Meat is grossing me out in all shapes and tastes.

On a side note, almost every tv show or news report has something bad happening to a pregnant woman. The past 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy had some pregnant girl dying but they try to save the baby. Then after a call from the OB yesterday saying I had an abnormal pap smear again after all that chryotherapy, I see a news report that starts with the following line, "27 year old woman diagnosed with cervical cancer." Um, I'm 27! They were talking about the new vaccine for HPV which doesn't help if you alredy have HPV b/c it increases the chances of having cancer. But it hadn't hit me yet the dysplasia was back but that my poor cervix would always be messed with and having kids would get harder. I just feel really down when I think that even though I'm finally pregnant now, there are STILL obstacles to carrying a baby. The Ob wanted to do a 2nd biopsy and I said no b/c I don't want to compromose my cervix any more right now. Plus, they can't treat me anyway b/c the treatment involves you experiencing contractions which could send me into pre term labor. I stayed home from work today which is no easy task b/c you have to have a note from God sying you were sick. But I was upset from the doctors call and feeling sick. I just want to sleep all day! So we got the name of a good OB who is friendly to Natural Childbirth and we are going to contact him and get a labor assistant since our sucky insurance won't cover it. We did find a group of midwives about an hour and a half away who would just charge us their expenses but they're too far I think and a little "religiously zealous" which doesn't bother me too much but I don't know. I think with all the supposed issues going on, it might be better in the hospital with a good doctor and doula.I just wish it would come on! I know I may regret wishing my pregnancy to hurry up but I just want to know there's a good outcome.

So most of you know we are finally pregnant and as of this writing I'm 5 weeks and 2 days along. We had our first ob appt today and it went well until the end when I asked if all the tests they were doing would tell me if anything was wrong with the baby. The doctor asked if anything should be wrong and I started balling. She asked Che if I was a worrier to which he said I was. So she did an ultrasound that didn't really ease my mind other than knowing the baby was where he was supposed to be. But she was really nice and he looked like a raisin. We are most likely delivering at Baptist Women's Center unless we can get a midwife that will be covered by insurance. We are still talking about how we feel and what we think we'll be able to cope with in either situation. Right now, I'm tired, constipated and pee a lot. I have several books on my nightstand most of which I end up slamming shut when it gets too graphic. We are so excited and believe this to be a prayer answered. No matter what happens in the next 8 months, we are glad to know with my crappy ovaries and Che's few swimmers, we CAN create life! So I've sent Che and Judy to the store for the monthly shopathon but we'll see if they stick to the list. So far so good. She is thinking about quitting the food stamps which is good for her but we've come to count on them. But Che said she would still help out financially with rent or something. I told him that he DID know she HAD to be out of here before the baby was born, right? He seemed surprised. But he's been so nice and sweet to me since we found out, on my birthday by the way, that I hope he understands. I didn't buy a house so I could cram 3 people and their clothes in one room. I'm due on january 7 so she can be out by Xmas. If she saves her money, please God. More later. I have to pee.

While at the Hutsons, they gave us 2 bottles of Champagne they took home from our wedding. They aren't really champagne people. So I'm having one bottle now. Che is out with Genaro and who knows where Judy is now. But I'm down to the last glass and damn, that's some good stuff. I feel GREAT! And I don't get sleepy like I do whenI drink wine but I get RELAXED. Damn the blood sugar! Anywa, I'm sweating in here, must be the booze. But I thought I'd share the letter to the editor I submitted. I'm still trying to get it published. I know some of you may think it cheesy but just remember my experience was different than yours. If anything, admire my writing:)



January 16, 2006

To the Editor:

I am a 1997 graduate of Collierville High School. I attended Collierville schools from K-12 and feel very fortunate that I received my education there. But decidedly the greatest education and preparation for “life” came in high school from one teacher that is celebrating his 20th year at the school. Mickey Hutson is CHS’s Speech and Theatre teacher as well as TV 19’s Director. These job titles are very broad when I think of them now because they don’t even begin to scratch the surface of what Mr. Hutson gives to his students each and every day.

During my time at CHS, I spent every bit of my free time in the Speech and Theatre Department performing in the plays each season or traveling on weekends to compete with the Speech and Debate Team. And so did Mr. Hutson since he was our coach. In a typical school week, Mr. Hutson would teach the regular school day classes but at 2:15 when school let out, he still had plenty of work to be done. Keep in mind his school day began before 7:15 because he was in charge of the schools TV department which made the school announcements. His Speech and Debate students were perpetually scheduled to practice every day after school Monday through Thursday oftentimes until 5:00 or even after. Friday afternoons garnered preparations to travel across the state or even out of it for a Speech competition that would bring us all back home late Saturday night, almost always with a first place trophy. Additionally, he had the responsibility to produce and direct a play or musical each semester which usually had him back up at school at six o’clock for the six weeks of rehearsals, four nights a week, and as late as ten o’clock. Additionally, there were times he coached softball for the school, or football for his son. From late October to the first of May, nearly every weekend was spent on the road with his students traveling for speech tournaments.

His only requirement to be involved was commitment. It became the Golden Rule for the Speech and Theatre group and “The Commitments” was adopted as our name. I admit it was very difficult to participate in other school activities AND be on the Speech team. Many a time, I watched friends and other students make the hard decision to stay with it or pursue other options. There was an understood level of commitment among the students and Mr. Hutson. He would be there to train, coach, fundraise, travel, support, and lead us if we were willing to work, be coached, listen, and be led. We learned responsibility and that choices have consequences. We were an extremely tight knit group that shared the same passion for the arts. But all too often, the trappings of adolescence found its way into our group by way of drugs, sex, failing at school, or problems at home. Occasionally, he lost a few students to these things despite his best efforts to save them. I know it was a disappointment on many levels to him when a student gave up or gave in.

I know his wife and son spent evenings without him and weekends on the road with him. Mrs. Hutson became our second mother, supporter, and friend. Despite having a full time job herself, their home was always open to us. It was comforting to know they both had an open door policy. With such busy schedules, it is all too easy for teachers and parents to do the minimum in teaching or raising their children. Mr. Hutson had both responsibilities. He did more than just collect his paycheck. His involvement in my own personal life led him to support me and build me up when I needed it. He took an interest in my well being and made sure things were okay in my home when most often they were not. If I was gone from school for a few days, he called me. If he found that schoolwork had not been completed from missing school to attend tournaments, he sought me out. If he could see I was slipping in any way, he cornered me. It was annoying at times having a third parent to be responsible too but I know now he kept me afloat so many times when I was sinking at school or home. He was not afraid of getting involved when he felt he needed to. And we all know the danger of doing just that. I sometimes dreaded being called into his office for a “chat” but those were times I received the best advice or support I’d ever encountered. However, he never accepted excuses. When it came time to graduate, he had a genuine interest in the scholastic future of his students. And if he had a dime for all the college recommendations, job references, and “good words” he has put in for us over these twenty years, I believe he could retire.

I have been so blessed to continue in his friendship over the years, although most of the time it was from a distance when I lived in Virginia for a while. I have enjoyed family dinners and holidays with his family. He and his family took the time to celebrate with me at my wedding which meant so much to me. I always got a call when I was home from school and he could always count on a stop in from me. I always found myself in his classroom, on the stage, in his home, or on the road with him. But I’m not special. For twenty years, he has done exactly the same thing for hundreds of other students. And as an adult, I am ashamed at how little I thanked both he and his wife. Now that I have my own family I see how much he sacrificed, juggled, stressed, spent, and gave to us expecting little in return. I wish I had said thank you to him for staying so late to help us “get it right”. I wish I had appreciated his gifts and talents more when he was using them to coach me. I wish more students had the benefit of his teaching because he loves it and is so accomplished at it. During my time at school, he had the opportunity to return to his own high school to teach in the place of his former coach and I remember the panic that set in among the students. We were sure he would go, because why wouldn’t he? It would be a great honor as well as allowing him to finally be in the same town as his family. But I remember him telling us that if he went, he would be stepping into someone else’s shoes and into a department that was already successful and had its own claim to fame. He wanted to stay in Collierville and do that here. He started with a handful of students traveling to tournaments in a 15 passenger van with room to spare. These days he and his 40 plus students have to charter a bus on weekends. Ask any student of his, past or present, and they will relate a similar story to mine. I remember once seeing a large box in his office filled with envelopes and scraps of paper and pictures. It was overflowing with letters and mementos he had collected from students over the years. It is my sincere hope that you will publish this one so he may add it to his collection. Thank you, Mr. H, and Mrs. H. too, for your passion, your time, your friendship, and your commitment in all you do. Thank you for teaching us and loving us as your own. Congratulations on 20 years and many more!

Sincerely,
Brenda Firmin Lamey
Class of 1997

Last Sunday before Easter, we tried desperately to get some time with Dad. But we had to wait around all day for him to get done helping Alexis do whatever it is she has him do. So we drove to C'ville and I showed Che all our old houses and stomping grounds. Collierville is soooo different. It's gotten bigger than I ever thought it would be. Our tour ended at 368 Little Oak Lane at the Hutsons. Not having seen them for over a year, I was hesistant to just barge in, but I saw movement inthe backyard. They have a 4 year old, Cameron, who is such a funny kid I'm sure he'll be in the entertainment industry. I don't know if it was b/c I had gone so long without seeing the Hutsons or the years and the benefit of age have made our visits much more pleasant and thought provoking, but probably both. We meant to only stay for about an hour while we waited on Dad. But 4 hours later, we were still there with tons to talk about. Che was pretty quiet since he hadn't had the experience I had in high school but he told me later it was very interesting and a nice insight into my "former life". He went to a few tournaments with me to judge and enjoyed it a lot. He enjoys the Hutson's company as well. And I have to say, I forgot how much I missed them too. As things went from bad to worse at our house sometimes, Mr. Hutson would continue to look out for me to make sure I kept up with work and school activities and didn't fall to far behind. He was the extra support I needed with my sister, who had been my ally for so long, at school hundreds of miles away. I found out it was his 20th year teaching at CHS in December and had been trying to get a letter to the editor of the Cville paper published about him but never could. So I ended up just giving it to him. Apparently, the last year of teaching was more challenging than others and he occasionally contemplated throwing in the towel. And whatever other students may have taken away with them about their time with him, mine was the best. I think a lot about how school could have been for me without my hobbies and experiences in the Theatre. And what made me feel even better was knowing that that relationship didn't end when I graduated. It has gotten stronger and more special in the following years and I am so grateful for it. Next to my marriage and my time with my sister, the Hutsons influence in my life is one of the greatest I have ever known. It's a good example of how much a young person can benefit from a strong adult role model. And I remember lots of times he had to kick my butt to get me going or seek me out to make sure I was okay. They are incredibly giving people. I know I want to say to people all the time that I just don't have time for them but they never did or do. I know not every student had this same experience. As a matter of fact, I think very few did. But my hobbies in school and my friendship with them saved me from so much I think. I don't think I would have turned to drugs or anything like that, but I was very bitter and depressed I think in school and it was nice to have a channel for it all. The best part of my visit was when Che and I began to talk about all of our "worries" about our marriage and kids and money. Che's attitude is not to worry about anything and mine is to worry about EVERYTHING. We listened to those older and wiser than us and saw that they still had worries too. And Mr. Hutson said something that made me feel so much better in a way. He said, "Brenda, I've known you since you were 13 years old and you had a lot of stress and bad things going on that weren't your fault a lot of the time. And you worried then." It was as if he was saying that maybe I couldn't help it b/c I had grown up with worry always hanging around me. And it felt good to have someone else other than a family member acknowledge it for me. Anyway, as we drove home, Che said he hadn't seen me that happy in a long time. And I hadn't realized it either, but I was smiling and chattering away. So, just thought I'd share. In having such a stressful environment lately, it was nice to hear those things and be reminded that you weren't alone.

Ugh, Catholic Mass has gotten bizarre lately. Anyone notice? We switched from St. Francis "the rich people church" to St. Ann, "the poor folk church" and it's still weird. At St. Francis, we felt out of place because our car cost under 20 thousand dollars and we only had one story to our modest home. At St. Ann, the people are nice and more "grounded" like us but we've tried out all the mass times and gotten the same result......Catholics here and maybe elsewhere are trying to keep up with the Protestants. Now, there's nothing wrong necessarily with the way Protestants worhip, in the sense of how they conduct their worship, but it's just doesn't FIT into a Catholic mass. What I mean is, I just want the traditional songs I've FINALLY learned by heart I've heard for 20 plus years to be sung and for it to be sung by a CHOIR with only an ORGAN or PIANO for accompaniment. We've been going to St. Ann for a few weeks now and we love it but it's not just St. Ann doing it. Most all the churches have this "comtemporary" service on SAt or Sunday evening. Even the mmain masses have it. It started with adding a guitar, then drums, now a billy joel wannabe onthe piano. St. Ann has all of these. And they do have a "choir" but they don't sing together but instead everyone of them "takes a verse". I hate it. I told Che one day when they announced the songs, I had no idea what these songs were and had never heard of them. And it's very jazzy. The guy playing the piano is great actually, very young and cute. He has a great voice too. But he should be starring in Movin' Out on Broadway and not St. Ann Sunday Mass. I want to stand up and yell during the alleluia, "JUST SING IT IN A NORMAL VOICE AND STOP PLAYING LIKE YOU'RE ON STAR SEARCH!"

Where is the reverence? I mean it's hard to convey the solemnity of the mass when you "throw it over to Dave on Drums for the drum solo" during the Offeratory.

Note: I am drinking a bottle of Champagne right now but I am completely coherant.

But thankfully, on Easter Sunday, someone had the sense to say, "You know, we're going to have a lot of oldies here today. Let's bring out the traditional songs for a change."

So we had the standards I have realized I like: Taste and See, Were you there when they crucified my lord?, Sons and Daughters, and Hymn of Joy.

But they just HAD to let the "band" play complete with trumpets and flutes. I bet you've never heard Taste and See done on Guitar:)

We had a long Easter weekend, but not long in the sense it was leisurely. We worked! Well, I worked Saturday at the Bank. (Those heathens didn't even let us off Good Friday) And as usual, Che got a call from Shannon to come over and help put toghether a monster swing set like the one Michelle has. So for 5 hours he worked, in the sun, with no sunscreen on and you can guess the result. His neck is blood red and so are his arms and face. Further, when I got home he cut grass and I weeded the North 40 that had not had any attention since October last year. He finally put sunscreen on to cut the grass but I told him the damage was already done. He actually got sick several times from theh sunburn and missed out on dyeing easter eggs.

Sunday was busy as well. We went to Mass at eleven. More on that in the next entry. We met his friend Genaro and Family there b/c they are in town for a week. They live about an hour from Michelle in CA and have 3 boys. They are Mexican which is only funny b/c Genaro said they'd probably be the only one's there, but there were a few more. They have no family here at all and only really know Che but decided to fly the whole family out from CA for a "vacation" in Tn. This sounds absurd to me. I'm sure it cost 1000 dollars just to fly plus a hotel for 5 people for a week plus a car and food. And their activities they want to do are hilarious. They went to Little Rock to see the Clinton Museum! Kids love Bill Clinton. Then stuff like the Children's Museum and Pink Palace. Then on to Nashville for the Opry. We had to explain to their kids wht "Opry" meant. It's southern for opera.

But they're really nice.

We grilled steak with dad and had corn on the cob and banana pudding. Dad brought a truck load of mulch and helped us spread it and our yard looks way better, even with slightly dying bushes in it.

Then showers and bed to watch episodes of Lost on DVD. Monday morning, my thighs and butt muscles were KILLING me from squatting and bending and standing in the flower beds.

Judy's job is working out great for my stres level so far. She usually works something like 1-9 5 days a week. It's awesome. I rarely see her now. Of course that doesn't stop my worrying, now I just worry about new things. I worry that she'll start blowing her money on groceries, If she ever cuts the food stamps off, or alcohol.

Che said we can't do anything about how she spends her money b/c she's a grown woman. I said, "That's true, but until now she's had NO money and she has to move out of here sooner rather than later. So I think we do have rights to say something if we see her spending has become frivilous or excessive." She's not going to blow it all just b/c she has not bills. If that happens, RENT will start being due. And I figure that will irritate her enought to slow down and start saving so she can move out.

But I had 2 Miracles that seemed like they may never happen.

First, I cleanded out our closets and came face to face with my wedding gown. I had told myself I wasn't going to pack it away until I tried it on again and could fit in it. Well it hadn't happened yet. But I figured it was finally time to do it so I got it out. After realizing how dirty it was, I stepped into it and zipped it up. And miracle of miracles, it not only fit, but was LOOSE in the bust and waist.

""angels singing the hallelujah chorus""

So I walked around in it for a while as I cleaned then put it away again. I vowemed never to try it on again so that I can always say, "the last time I tried my dress on it was too big!" Now how many women can say that.

Second miracle you already know about. Judy's job. The bonus is I really don't ever see her since she's gone when i get home from work and I'm in bed when she gets home. I am going to embarrass Che but he never reads this anyway. It's been about a month or so since she's been here and it's been difficult to find time "alone". Judy stays up late and I go to bed around 9. Che seems to think that the drywall between our room and the den is sufficient enough to muffle or drown out any noise that may be created. And as he says, "We can just be real quiet!" Whatever. Ewwww.

So Che was frustrated and I was fine:) But I felt bad for him but told him we'd compromise. If she's going to be up til midnight, here's what he'd have to do.

1. Turn dishwasher on long cycle.
2. Turn washer on extended wash and rinse.
3. Turn dryer on super long cycle. (they are right outside our bedroom.)
4. Turn ceiling fan on high.
5. Turn radio on.

I know, very romantic.

But the energy bill is saved since she doesn't get home til about 10 now.


What a miracle.

Thinking Melodramatically:

"Truly, He is the Son of God!"

:)

Today's a day off and I'm completely bored. My 40 hour work week has already been cut back, again to 20 hours. Now I have too much free time and nothing to do. I'm considering finding another part time job to keep me busy. We'd grown accostomed to the extra money too.

Judy managed to get a job at Petco and yes, I'll blow my own horn and say I'm the one who had to get her to fill out the app and go interview. Out of the 10 or so job apps she filled out, she didn't pick up one of them. I thought she might flake out once she got her job and find a reason to quit but she seems to like it and she's learning a skill that will be useful. She works in the grooming salon as an assistant. The pay isn't great but she can make commission. Eventually, they will send her to grooming school so she can get her certification or whatever. She seems to be excited about that and the prospect of being useful. Becuase let's face it, she hasn't been much of a contributor to society sitting on my couch. Her house still isn't sold but we've mnanaged to get her to stop worrying about it. It's not in her name so if it goes into foreclosure, they worst that will happen to her is that she won't get any money from her home. She'll live.

She did cut her food stamps down and told us when she got a job she would cut them off. It's a sore spot for me b/c she doesn't NEED them and someone else could use them. And I don't like buying groceries with them knowing that we dont' need them. Also, she goes to the grocery every 3 or 4 days to pick stuff up. And YES, Che and I BOTH have told her directly to stop doing that because we have too much food, a lot of it is spoiling, it's not food we eat in our regular diet, and she's using up all the money on the card. If she really wants us to use it, she has to stop b/c when I go to buy groceries, there's not enough money on the card b/c she needed some bean dip and Snickers bars.

I broke down and sent che with her to the store. He started his Oficial diet this week at work with a bunch of other people. They are doing a verison of the biggest loser where they are divided into teams. Whichever team has lost the most weight in 3 months, gets a cash prize. the prize comes from the 39 dollars they all put in at the beginning. I felt like a big old bitch when I made the grocery list b/c I wasn't very subtle. I actually typed it out and grouped it into sections of the grocery store so they wouldn't take all day. I wrote down brand, size, and quantity. And at the end of it I wrote in caps more for Judy's sake than Che: "ABSOLUTELY NO CANDY, SUGARY SNACKS, OR PROCESSED/BOXED DINNERS." Because that's what she busy for us and we don't eat that. We cook from scratch. We use real potatoes and fresh veggies if we want them. If we want fried chicken wings, we make them, not microwave them.

I also put that if "MOM" wanted anything that wasn't onthe list she was more than welcome to get it but it would need to be kept in her room. And of course she got some snickers and cupcakes. Che has done pretty well so far this week but hasn't really exercised:( His usual after dinner snack of Little debbie is now fruit or cheese or nothng at all.


His labs from his physical came back and the recommended an abdominal ultrasound to check his liver and a hepatitis test. His good fats were too low they said. He's all freaked out now. His choleserol was 199, borderline high and his BP was high. Now, I have been telling him this for mnonths and he's brushed me off and told me I was too much of a worrier. But alas, as soon as the doctor says it, Che listens. I told him that even though I didn't have an M.D behind my name, I'm still smart enough to have known all that!

So being my day off yesterday I broke down and did what I did NOT want to do and that was go to the store with Judy. Previous attemps were unsuccessful as I was unable/uncomfortable with saying "NO" to items she put in the cart or suggested since she's "paying" for them. Actually, we, meaning the citizens of America, are paying for them, so thank you. Anyway, you know about the cookie aisle I have in my own home and it has BARELY dwindled b/c I don't eat it and Judy does only occasionally. But I was out of actual REAL food and got mad the other night when I went to cook something that didn't come from a can or box she had bought and didn't have all the ingredients to do so.

When I'm really on top of things, I do what I learned from Michelle and make a menu for the next week or two then a grocery list so I know exactly what to buy so:
A. I get only what I need and don't blow a bunch of money
B. Don't forget something vital during cooking
C. So I can be anal retentive

So I was all set with the "list". I knew that che had told Judy NOT to go to the grocery store anymore to just "pick up a few things" that

A. We already had so now there's twice as much to eat before it spoils
B. She THINKS we'd like to eat but don't (that weird jello salad stuff you get in the deli?)
C. She herself wanted for snacks or lunch

he told her to write whatever she needed or wanted down on the list and we would go every week or two. What he and I are worreid about is that all these little trips will eat up the money on the card and there won't be any money when I REALLY need to shop. She supposedly understood. BUT SHE STILL KEPT GOING TO THE STORE. And when she showed me what she bought, she actually told me that she knew she wasn't supposed to buy any more b/c che told her not to but.....then she filled in the blank.

I about lost my mind. So we go to the store and I am full of resolve that we will NOT be buying any sweets today, dammit. And I'm not buying Vienna sausages or spam either. And furthermore, I'm not buying all my dinners in a container or bag that requires you just add water. This is what she buys, suggests, or wants US to eat. And that's okay when she was on her own, but wouldn't you prefer to have a home cooked meal???? Does she not know how to cook? Che says he thinks she does. He thnks. The man doesn't even know if his mother knows how to cook, probably b/c she didn't when he was a kid.

I am looking for small shrimp for gumbo I'm going to make. She picks up a frozen, fully put together, just microwave it bag of gumbo. I stick to my guns and say, "I'm fixing gumbo from scratch." Then i turn and walk on.

Yes!!!

the same thing happens at the instant mashed potato aisle, the processed fried chicken patties, and pre made bacon egg and cheese sandwiches.

She seemed a bit annoyed and then I did feel bad b/c there wasn't much in the way of snacks she was picking up for herself. But then it dawned on me that she didn't need any b/c the pantry was still stocked full.

Basically, every item I picked up for a meal she found a substitute for it. What is she saying, I don't cook well so let's eat from a box?

So the check out looms in front of us and our cart is only half full but contains meals for about 2 weeks. Our total is 150 dollars. She turns to me and says:

"I don't have that much on the card."

What





The




Hell



?



And why is that I wonder. So I pay the difference of about 35 dollars and we get home where I go in my bathroom, turn the shower on then call che. I have to turn the shower on so she can't hear me. He promises to address the issue tonight.

And I heard him while they cleaned up. He did okay. She mentioned her food stamp allowance was being cut in half next month. He said we really don't spend a ton on groceries. Maybe 200 dollars in a given month so it shouldn't be a problem that she only gets 140 dollars a month now. He also adds that "we", meaning her, need to use it sparingly and let it build up so when we need it, we'll have it and not have to pay too much out of pocket.

Because truthfully, we don't really need them to use. But she wants to have them. But at least use them responsibly. I have our grocery money budgeted elsewhere so when all the money on the card is gone that screws our budget up. Maybe he should have said that. I'm sure it will come oup again.

But so help me, if she goes to the store one more time......

And what killed me is that when we got in the car to go home, instead of sying somehting like "I'm sorry you had to pay some extra" or "sorry they card was so low b/c I used it all on crap" she commented that it would be filled again on the 8th and she was being given one more month of allowance for 2 people. Great, so you can blow it. I told her that in all likelihood, WE wouldn't need to shop again for a long while except for bread or milk. Meaning, you damn well better not blow a month of food stamps on a bunch of candy and sweets!